Psychological Courage by Putman Daniel

Author:Putman, Daniel.
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: University Press of America
Published: 2004-09-03T16:00:00+00:00

Hiding Behind a Role

In the shock experiment one way that the teachers avoided responsibility for shocking the learner was to focus on the process or technique. Some “teachers” ignored the screams and pleadings in the next room by focussing on getting the tasks done correctly such as saying the word pairs properly to the learner or giving the right verbal cues. This method of focusing on a process in order to avoid responsibility has much broader application than the shock experiment and is a significant way for people in harmful or destructive relationships to avoid difficult decisions.

The most common form of this phenomenon is hiding behind roles. In Milgram’s experiment some of the “teachers” viewed the role given them by Milgram as a justification for not stopping the experiment. In everyday life this experience is quite common. Every marriage has numerous roles. While in the past these roles were quite clearly laid out by society, today they often have to be worked out couple by couple. Nevertheless, they are critical in the relationship. Who is expected to do what is central for any marriage to function. Some of these roles, such as who takes out the garbage, may be minor in themselves. But these smaller roles may be incorporated into larger more important roles such as who is in charge of the house, who is the main source of income or who is the primary care-giver for young children. Once roles are established, taking them seriously greatly helps to facilitate a happy marriage.

However, as with politeness, there is a “dark side” to role-taking. We can hide behind our roles so we do not have to make difficult decisions in a relationship. Unfortunately, a fairly common scenario is the following. A marriage is becoming difficult, perhaps because of some habit or addiction by one party, perhaps because of a communication or sexual problem, perhaps because of difficulties over money. In any case what happens is that each spouse begins to focus on the process, i.e., the role expectations he or she has as a way to avoid talking about or facing the problem. So, commonly, even with our more open and loosely–defined roles, the male will often focus on what “husbands” or “fathers” do—perhaps focus more than ever on being the bread-winner or handyman. Women nowadays may also dodge tough confrontations with spouses by focusing on work and earning power but many still will focus on the role of nurturer or care-giver. Obviously, as noted above, all of these roles, no matter who performs them, are critical in the success of a marriage. However, what happens is that the spouse starts putting the role between himself and the real problem. It becomes a type of armor worn by the person as a way to avoid courage. So, instead of dealing with the basic communication problem that exists, the husband goes off to his workshop. Or, instead of loving her spouse to the point of helping him deal with his alcohol addiction,

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